you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Please don't give away my fajitas
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
