chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
