i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
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There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
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it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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