So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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