some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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