apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
