so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
