My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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