Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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