I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
