the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
