i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
