and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
There's always time for handjobs
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
