my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
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You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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