jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
