I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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