just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
