ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
