i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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