Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
