i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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