My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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