he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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