i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
