I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I party with great urgency now.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
