Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
