My liver just broke up with me...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
