Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
