I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
