Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
