New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
