I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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