You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
