I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
