im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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