just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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