I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
