i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
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i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
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I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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