I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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