She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I wanna passion pit in your ass
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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