After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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