I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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