I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
