After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
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You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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