So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
