Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
