That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
