a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
