i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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