This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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