we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
