Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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