I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
